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9 things new mums say (and what they really mean)

New mums, tell me if you can relate: 

After I had my baby I felt the need to act like I knew exactly what I was doing, and like I had everything casually under control. Meanwhile, in reality I felt like I was slowly losing my mind due to sleep deprivation, and probably had at least two mental breakdowns a day during my first month after birth.

So in the interest of normalising the feeling of being overwhelmed and not knowing WTF you’re doing when you bring a brand new baby home for the first time, here is a list of some things new mums say, and what they really mean.

Have a giggle, and then send it to your friends and family so they know, next time you say you’re “fine”, but you’re rocking full blown crazy eyes and your casual laugh actually sounds kind of deranged… you’re probably actually not that fine and they need to either step in and help or GTFO.

9 things new mums say and what they’re really thinking:

1. When meeting their baby for the first time

What we say:

He’s finally here, I feel so incredibly lucky.

What we really think:

WTAF just happened? A baby literally just fell out of my vagina. And now I’m going to take him home. No instructions, just a completely helpless human being that I’m now responsible for keeping alive. F*ck. How do I keep him alive? 

2. About their postpartum body

What we say:

Recovery is going great, I’m not too stressed about the weight. I’m just focusing on letting my body heal.

What we really think:

Holy shit my boobs are ENORMOUS. Like, embarrassingly huge. They look like implants, but wonky, like I got a cheap, back alley boob job. And why does my stomach look like a sad, deflated balloon? Will it ever go back to normal? Is this my new normal?

3. About their newborn baby

What we say:

He’s so cute, what a perfect little angel!

What we really think:

Ok, you look a bit less scary now that the puffiness has gone down and your head’s a normal shape…. You’re still quite wrinkly though. Like a tiny, wrinkly, grumpy old person. You must get that from your father’s side.

4. When non mum friends ask what birth is like

What we say:

It’s painful, but you just get through it. Women are incredible!

What we really think:

How much do you really want to know? I don’t want to scare you but f*ck. That was the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever been through. My baby literally ripped his way out of my vagina – I have the stitches to prove it! I don’t know if it will ever be the same down there. The thought of doing a poo or god forbid having sex terrifies me.

5. When people ask if you need anything

What we say:

No, no. We’re fine, seriously. Thank you for offering though.

What we really think:

Actually, since you’re offering, if you could just clean my house, do my laundry, duck out to do a food shop and then stock my fridge that would be super helpful. Also, take the baby with you so I can have a hot bath and try to reverse three weeks of sleep deprivation with 6 hours of consecutive sleep.

6. When people tell you that you look great

What we say: 

Thank you so much!

What we really think:

Seriously? I haven’t slept for more than five hours in three days. Can you not see these bags under my eyes? Can you not tell that I haven’t washed my hair in a week? This baby is literally sucking the life out of me. How terrible did I look before for this to be deemed as “great”?

7. When people ask how you’re going

What we say: 

Really great thanks, tired but settling in nicely.

What we really think:

Well I can’t feel my pelvic floor when I sneeze or do a wee, and I can’t walk more than a metre without my boobs rapid firing milk across the house. Did I just say that out loud? I can’t tell because I’m so tired that my thoughts are blurring into my reality. 

8. When visitors ask to hold the baby

What we say:

Yes of course, she would love a cuddle with *insert friend/relative’s name*.

What we really think:

Did you wash your hands?… For the full length of Happy Birthday though? Was that a sniffle? Did you come here sick?! You’re getting a bit close there… Hey! Look at my eyes, my eyes are screaming at you to get your germy face away from my baby. GIVE ME BACK MY BABY.

9. When people tell you to enjoy every moment

What we say:

Thanks, I will… they’re only this little once right?

What we really think:

Go f*ck yourself Linda.

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