Read any book, watch any TV show or movie or scroll the ‘Gram, and you’d be forgiven for thinking that pregnancy is nine beautiful months of rainbows and butterflies.
For some, it is (who are you? Tell us your secrets!).
But for others, it’s nine months of raging hormones, unpredictability, uncertainty, and a whole lot of weird and wacky thoughts (oh what we wish we knew before getting pregnant, hey?!).
So, what do mums really think about during those long 280 days of pregnancy?
When pregnancy slaps you rudely in the face.
There HAS to be a way to do a pregnancy test without peeing on your hand
Plain and simple: I peed on my hand while taking my pregnancy test and it grossed me out (though, compared to the literal (tiny) human sh*t that’s touched my hands since giving birth, this was nothing). Did I do it wrong? What position does one squat in? Has anyone got tips for this?
There’s so much f*cking random math involved in pregnancy
By the time you take said aforementioned test, you’re already four weeks pregnant. Your due date is measured off your last period. And so begins your life of converting weeks into months and trimesters, degrees into TOGs and centimetres into any number of newborn clothes consisting of a multiple of 0.
I’ll never look at fruit the same way again
Why do people measure baby size by fruit? Sure, it’s cute. But we’re living in a GMO-loving world, people. One woman’s broccoli is another’s small tree. American kale seems to be 3x bigger than Aussie kale. And what constitutes a small watermelon, before growing into a regular watermelon just weeks later? I’ve never studied supermarket shelves more.
Everything smells like a*s
We’ve all got smells we hate. But there’s nothing like pregnancy to make literally everything an offence to your snout. Deodorant, body wash, shampoo, perfume, hand sanitiser (LOL, covid!), the doctor’s office. Everything. Pregnancy has some wild symptoms, am I right?
When you’re sort of getting used to this pregnancy thing. Or, then again, maybe not.
My baby looks creepy in the 3D scans
While it seemed like a nice thing to do, getting those 3D scans, my son decided to mush his face into my placenta so the whole vibe was a little more zombie than “aww he’s so cute”. I adored him, but admittedly I 100% thought (albeit lovingly) that he looked a little scary. Safe to say those ones were not shared in the family chat group.
This is just my life now
The literature says trimester two is the best. But is this as good as it gets? My gums swelled over my retainer (yes, it was as f*cked up as it sounds). My nipples felt like they were on fire. I was limping from sciatica pain. Just no.
The feeling of my baby kicking is freaky
I’m not sure if it was the X-Files reruns I was watching, but I had to remind myself on more than one occasion that it was my child kicking me and not some alien parasite. I love the little man, but it was a weird feeling and would often cause me to shriek when a particularly big wallop happened. I sort of miss the kicking…but I also sort of don’t.
When the reality of giving birth and life with a baby starts to hit.
Sure, you can take a baby clubbing
You just pop them in a carrier, yeah? For this social mama, the reality of having a baby felt scary. How do you have fun as a mum?! Would I ever get my chance to let rip to WAP on the dancefloor? Admittedly my pre-baby thinking was a little (ok, very) unrealistic. But I’ve learnt to hang with friends in different ways (such as gossiping in the pool while the kiddos splash around), and now get down to WAP in my living room on the regular. You adapt.
If the cavewomen can do it, so can I
Was anyone else sh*t scared of giving birth and talked themselves off a cliff of anxiety by thinking about our cavewomen sisters giving birth in their lovely rock formations before having to hunt their dinner and being chased by lions and OH MY GOD? We are #blessed to have modern medicine and hospitals.
There’s no way my vag can survive this
It’s a reasonable thought – especially if you’ve never done this before. Like, your lovely lady can’t be expected to be the same friend you know and adore after squeezing out a watermelon. Yes, all sorts of things can happen in birth and it might be a little different down there afterwards. But, mamas, you’ll be ok. And honestly, use this as an excuse to get to re-know yourself (read: once you’re medically cleared, go buy yourself a deluxe vibrator and give yourself and your vag some love. Y’all deserve it).
Mamas, what did you really think during pregnancy? Comment away! Nothing is off limits.