The girl in baby blue

‘How are you’? they would ask.

The light behind my eyes faded.

How am I?

How could I tell them that this was the longest someone had listened to me talk in a while, but I didn’t know how to answer that question.

How could I tell them that while I was complete, something was missing.

That I felt like the sky without a cloud.

A naked vulnerable blue.

How could I tell them that I was the closest to earth I had ever felt,

But I was the furthest away from myself.

It was too complicated to mark me on a scale of 1 to 10. They didn’t have all day.

People are waiting.

Someone is always waiting.

She is waiting for you.

“I’m fine, we’re great”.

And that was mostly true.

I opened the door as she left with her clipboard, the bird song and sunshine poured in. A disloyal reminder that nothing had changed for anyone else.

I danced around the question each time it was asked and I danced with it into the nights, into the shower and into the days where I was consumed by love and doubt.

It was me I missed.

I loved him.

But I missed her.

I should have said something to someone, 

That I feel lonely and I don’t know why.

I am so happy and it worries me sick.

I can’t make sense of things, my eyes don’t close and my heart’s forever open.

But I didn’t.

I looked down at him.

I would follow you anywhere, I thought.

His eyes,

His cries,

That little pointing finger.

I would tell that girl in baby blue that she was an amazing mother,

and to keep following him.

He was the path.

He would help her find her courage,

Her rhythm.

He would help her find herself.

“How are you?” I whispered to him one morning.

And we both smiled.

Author: Jess Urlichs

Jess is a writer, mother of 2, and lover of 90’s hip hop. You can find her on Instagram here.<  BACK TO POSTPARTUM

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