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The us for them

We don’t see each other as much as we used to.
Some days we hardly see each other at all.

During the day he’s caught up in work, and me in them.
And at night we always have so much to catch up on.
Like the weather, how our days have gone, what we are both feeling for dinner, or feeling at all.
Or what we are looking forward to doing on our own someday soon, what our thoughts are on politics, our favourite tv shows or the colour of the bedroom that still hasn’t been painted.
Or old jokes, favourite stories, or everything we used to talk about that connected us in the first place.

But the catch ups don’t really come.
The needs of them take first place right now.
So that’s how it falls, when we catch a glimpse of each other.

While doing everything still needing to be done before bedtime, we talk in a stop start fashion about them.
How many times we are likely to wake in the night with them.
What was the best and hardest parts of the day with them.
Why we need to do this and that more or less for them.
Because everything is for them.

And at times we can be short with each other, and disagree over things.
Because we are giving so much to everyone else right now.
And everything is so much heavier.
There’s so much at stake.
We are in so deep.

And this is all for a greater good.
It always is.
We know this.
Because it stems from the two of us giving our all.
And trying to do what is best for them.
Because we are two different people, working towards one common goal.
Them, and raising them as best we can.
That’s all we ever want.
They are all we have ever wanted.

And even though we can feel our weakest in some moments together, we are building a love stronger than before through them.
We also know this.
So we keep moving forward towards a space for us that doesn’t always come.
And the sheer exhaustion following a day of supporting them means that as we flop into bed at night the us in them has to wait.
So we wait.
And wait.
And wait.

Because it’s always worth the wait.
We are worth each other’s time when we can find it.
When we are reminded of old wedding photos that pop up on social media feeds, or the old dating stories, or when we argue about which side of a political debate is right.
When we get a moment together to talk about what we have created, scroll through photos of them, and tell each other how this is the happiest we have ever been.
When we nod at each other through a crowd of people, when we see our little people doing something only we understand the significance of.

In these moments, we know for certain.
We know that although we are disconnected sometimes, we are closer than ever through them.
We know we have the foundations of each other that are moving mountains each day, through them.
We know that the only understanding that matters between us is that our time will come again one day, but this time with them right now will not.

We see it.
We see this sort of us.
We see the us for them.
And it’s enough.
It’s more than enough.
It’s perfect.

Motherhood is really hard, Mumli isn’t.

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